0magdalene0

BLA

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 01:23:40 GMT

I've been having a terrible fucking week, its endless it seems. I have this terrible cold that will not got better, and my doctor decided to double the dose of one of my medication that makes me feel like I'm dead for at least 1-2 weeks. At least I can look forward to the day I get my braces off. This entry is probably going to be boring because at the moment I don't feel productive at all so its hard to try to write down an interesting journal entry. All I can do is complain about my bad week.
My mom keeps on adding homosexual innuendo into her questions. "Oh that guy is cute, I like those puppy dog eyes, do you think hes-I mean do you think its cute when someone has that appearance?" Next time she asks a question like that I'm going to slap her, seriously.
It feels like I haven't been in contact with people for weeks, although it's only been like 4 days. These days have been so long, drawn-out, and boring it completely intensifies everything. Valerie (Val short) got her permit which means shes going to start driving, I'm so jealous. I'm not going to start to drive for another 2 months. It feels like two years.
I can't wait for school, to see that certain someone who makes me feel better, and for Nikki to slap me to tell me to stop being so melodramatic. Thats all I can think of at the moment, and the seemingly only possible thing to do is write, so thats what I wrote.

The Sickness of Putrid illness

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 23:55:03 GMT

Bla, I came down with a cold, of course, and the thing I described earlier I guess was the makings of a panic-attack or something because right after I wrote in my live journal I went downstairs and had a full-fledged one. I'm still trying to get over it, it'll take a while. I'm saying it like its some sort of traumatizing incident...
I GOT A NEW BOOK! Well its a mystery book, called Out by Natsuo Kirino, apparently according to the back its about the Japanese underworld. I like the premise of the novel and the writing is good, I don't like the translation that much, unless of course thats how the Japanese think and talk, I guess I'm not very culturally diverse, I should be as I'm always preaching about tolerance and cultural acceptance. Right now my writing isn't that good because I can't think whatsoever. But this journal isn't here for people to judge me, its for people to get to know me, and to allow myself to vent my emotions on something thats a little more practical.
I was talking about telling you a story idea before, but I decided not to because its stupid and I guess I don't have the patience at the moment to go on and describe it. It's really long and elaborate, and too hard to explain even in words. I don't like explaining in words often, its better to describe in pictures and sound. Its more beautiful and articulate to show your interests and dislikes in that way. Maybe thats why I've always wanted to be a director, to show people across the world what I like, and my ideas, I want to know their ideas too, their opinions and reactions. Thats why most people direct, to see other people react to what they display on that giant or small screen. One of these days I will do that, if I get the courage....one of these days I will get off my ass too and start to exercise, well I've got an excuse, I'm sick...

The Question of Reality

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 23:08:29 GMT

I hate when I get these spells where I can't feel my body. I relate it more with being stoned, but not having that feeling of not caring about anything. Basically, I can't feel my body and I feel disillusioned by almost everthing. At the moment thats exactly what is happening to my body. I'm sitting here trying to cope with whatever I'm getting until its over, I'm so used to it now that at first I was like, this is cool, but I'm beginning to get annoyed with it. It's fine because when I leave the house and go on a car ride or try to preoccupy myself everything seems to be enhanced, especially color. If you want to know what I mean read my last entry, its about my love of color. If it wasn't for color, I would've gone crazy long ago. Can color control mood? Everytime I look out the window at the translucent world out there and try to piece together every color I see I seem to make myself feel better. Maybe thats what I will do, take a walk, try to find every color and discover the mystery about it.
Right now I'm trying to associate reality into my life. Whenever I get this feeling I start questioning almost everything. Like I start thinking about all those existential, philisophical mind fucks and fuck myself up even more. Like, what if I'm dreaming? How can my life be a reality? What if I'm in a coma, or dead? All that crap which at the moment is annoying me but usually when I'm normal I think its a wonderment and a question everyone should ponder. It's starting to get hard to read and write, which sucks, because I just bought a new book. I'm going to go and straighten myself out....

The Mid-Day's Night Sky

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 18:16:48 GMT

Don't you love that period right between day and night where the world lets you get a glimpse of true beauty. Maybe its me, or maybe its the stupid drugs I've done, but color to me is altogether the most beautiful component in the world. As I've always said I'd rather be deaf than blind, for seeing things is a lot more satisfying than hearing them. I was standing quietly outside on a friend's porch the other day and saw an amazing sight. It was as if a child outlined the sky, and then drew it. That may seem mediocre to most but children seem to have the best sense of color and distortion. The clouds were a beautiful shade of pink, with the outline of a magnificent purple. I couldn't stop staring at it, it took a few shakes from my friend to get the attention back. Color is something you can almost sense in words. I love when I'm in the car with someone who's driving me and we pass this bridge in my town over-looking the highway. At night it's amazing because you can gaze out at the cars coming towards you and see the procession of lights that tred almost slowly across the highway. For that second I always seem to get a glimpse of heaven, its both amazing and extremely beautiful. Those lights aren't even natural beauty their a part of this man(slash female for those of you feminists)-made world out there.
As much as people hate this world for the fact that their aren't many natural wonders anymore, the things that we can see no matter if their made from humans or by whatever force created this world are still as beautiful as the night sky. I think the most beautiful places in the world are actually in the city, the whole sequence of lights and colors just make a place so ugly look so damn gorgeous.

Saturday wasn't so good because I think I'm coming down with a cold, so Sunday isn't going to be that great either. But there's lots of things I can do at home, whether or not my parents are watching my every move (why do you think I try to get out of here as much as possible?)...This Thursday I get my braces off, and Tuesday is my grandmother's 80th birthday which I'm hoping will not be as boring as I'm dreading it might be. My cousins really annoy me because even though I'm 15 and probably have seen a lot more than them they treat me like I'm still five. They warn me about drugs and sex like I've never actually heard of the two words before. I think I'm not going to be able to take it this tuesday and actually hit them. Though one of my cousin's wives is really cool. Her name is Cathy and she has a lot in common with me so thats probably why we get along so well. Ten bucks she'd probably blaze with me in front of her two sons while her husband is in the next room. Not only that but we have the same interests and dislikes, so I'd probably just hang with her the whole time. So wish me good luck and good fortune (their both the same thing so pick either one), for I'm going to need it...

My First One, uh-oh

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 01:59:31 GMT

Hi, hello, hey, halo, hola, bonjour, konnichiwa, whatever you want to hear. It's my first livejournal entry and frankly I'm not nervous. Usually I fuck everything up on the first try. Right now I'm coming off a pretty fucked up high . I've been stoned before, its fun, its good, I like doing it but I've never actually been "high". I'm not used to it so I started freaking out. At the moment I was at Dan's house, with Joanna and this other girl and Joanna's sister. I realized after sitting down for a while that I was really high and for some reason all the muscles in my face completely relaxed and it was hard for me to talk. I just started spazzing out because my brain was popping in my head over and over YOUR GOING TO DIE!!! YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD DEATH!!!...I guess thats what you call a panic attack. I was practically on the ground crying when Joanna's sister came in. She was one of the sweetest strangers, not person, but stranger I've ever met. She took my hand and led me into the family room and turned on the TV. She pulled out her guitar and sang a song for me. She sang BEAUTIFULLY...so beautiful it amazed me that I was able to forget the moment and just daze out. One of the first times someone has brought me out of an attack. She told me in the most soothing voice, "oh don't worry this has happened to me before, exactly, the first high is just a little scary because you don't know whats going to happen". She made everything better, I have to thank her for that.
I'm still a little dizzy, but everything is just amazingly interesting at the moment. I guess its so interesting that I'm watching Real World. I think I'm kind of hoping that big guy with the blonde hair will magically turn gay. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to Rocky, and SHOPPING before. That sounded so fucking gay sorry but I just love Harvard Square. My mom went on her bitch attack and said my friend Nikki can't bring her friend Cassie unless she talks to her mom. My mom is a cunt like that, I know when I'm older I'm going to let my kids do ANYTHING and have sex with ANYONE only if my daughter goes on birth control before. It doesn't matter if I had a son because the other parents would have to deal with it I would just move. It doesn't even matter because I wouldn't have sex with Nikki or Cassie or Jamie.
I had a hard time today, because theres that special someone who I like at school and its really upsetting when he barely doesn't even look at you. He likes Nikki better than me basically. Thats right Nikki he does ahha your not going to get away with it. I will get up the nerve to speak to him, one day...
One of these days I'll have to put in an entry about an idea I have in my head...I mean for a story, but I'm not sure because someone will steal it, its not like anyone would look at my journal anyway... Well I'm going to finish because my face fucking hurts. The nasty feeling is still there but the pot makes me not care. Fucking smell you later! Or in other words I'm a big stupidhead who uses old ass phrases from shows about Will Smith as a teenager.